A few years ago…I was also the one who had no idea who she was underneath working a decent job, caring for my family.
A few months ago my ability to power through life came to a screeching halt when I quit my job. With no financial back-up plan to sustain the extra income I had been bringing in. It was OK at first, but then financial hardship set in, my marriage, hmmm, was strained almost to the breaking point.
Because we were now strapped financially, there was no extra money for anything. I couldn’t buy any of the things I liked for myself that I was used to buying when I was working. Months go by and a pattern began to emerge. Slowly the vibrant, active person I was disappeared. I barely got dressed (unless I absolutely had to) I had no social outlet, I didn’t go anywhere (gas was too high). I spent my days doing projects around the house. I became reclusive. A lot of the time I didn’t feel well. I always liked to read so I read a lot. I did start a daily prayer and meditation time each morning. It helped but a dark cloud of depression was descending upon me. I didn’t THINK I was depressed, (denial) but the pressure to get a job, be productive was taking its toll on me. I just had no joy, not really anything to speak of going for me in my life. (So, is this getting older is like?) Everyday, I’d pray for a change. Change my life Lord. Help me please. Day in, day out, I was looking for a change, hoping for a miracle. Yet, things remained the same. I knew I needed to DO something but what could I do? Then finally (and for what seemed like forever) finally the answer came (it always does) and that day everything I had been going through made sense. I found or discovered my direction.
“after a long “Dark Night of the Soul” a resourceful experience I fondly refers to as “turning water into wine” or “letting God show you how He can make something out of nothing.” I emerged from that experience transformed with a clear vision of my unique purpose”
I sat down to write in my journal and allowed the Spirit of God to speak to me. In those pages that afternoon He turned water into wine for me. So many things that I’d been questioning, trying to figure out; ALL became clear to me. Everything I had tried to do, but failed made sense to me now. I knew in that instant WHAT I had to do and what needed to be done. The change I was looking for had to come from inside of me. I had to change the way I thought. The motivation for serious self-reflection and often begins with the realizing that there needs to be a change. This often comes as a result of some kind of crisis: an illness, the loss of a job or relationship, whatever…we may not know what to do next. We may feel lost, empty, and confused. But as uncomfortable as this can be, it is actually a very important experience that we must go through to get to where we’re supposed to be. Similar to the one I experienced. It’s a Job experience…tested, tried; having hit rock bottom with nothing….But there is a promise: “That your latter days will be greater than your former days.” Job 8:7
“You can’t enjoy the mountain top experience, without going through the valley”
With all there is out there to teach us how to have it all, how to think positively, how to live the abundant life?? With all that is available to us, why are we still in the state we’re in? So, what must I/we do to turn my life around? I’m looking for a change, but hoping for a miracle.
Your change may closer to you than you imagine. First we must be willing to be changed (that may be a miracle in and of itself). If your circumstances are difficult, your lifelong dreams have yet to materialize. Maybe you’ve lost your joy and in your heart you may feel a lack of purpose or direction. But God has not forgotten you. “For I know the plans I have for you…They are plans for good…to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
Consider the story of Moses, His beginnings were humble, but he was “rescued” and spent 40 years in the palace as royalty. Then because of some poor decisions, he was reduced to a life of exile, ending up on the backside of the desert and spending the next 40 years as a sheepherder in a foreign land. (humbled again) I can imagine his feelings of depression, despair, regret, possibly hopelessness. Maybe he thought like as we do, “Is this it for me”? “Is this the best I can do”? “Is this what my life has come to”? But through it all God was in control. God had a plan…He was at work, mysteriously and with purpose. He was training Moses during those forty years in the desert for the role he would play in God’s master plan. God was preparing him for his mountaintop experience, for greatness. God spoke to Moses from a burning bush. And Moses life would never be the same. (Talk about looking for a change, hoping for a miracle)…
You know the rest of that story; but when it comes to the story of your own life; Know that you are not alone, God is with us in all our circumstances. Regardless of how bleak they may be. Keep in mind there is a purpose for it. That things happen the way they do for a reason! He works all things after the counsel of His own will. – Eph. 1:11 “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” – Rom. 8:28 God is always at work on our behalf, even in the tiniest details. Do you see where I’m going with this? There is a time and a season to every purpose under Heaven. Nothing in life occurs without God knowing about it and His sovereign hand orchestrating the outcome. Things may not look promising; you may be in the valley of despair, staring down the shadow of death. Everything you’ve tried had either short term results or failed. But if you recall in the story of Moses & Job, they had it all, they were living the life most of us are striving for. But then, life happened to them, and they lost everything. Like the prodigal son, they were brought to nothing, so God could do something in their lives. He had to get them to the place where they were ready, and willing to accept the change He had in mind. They had to be in a place where God didn’t have to fight their ego, or challenge their way of doing things. God had them in a lowly, humbled, broken position so He could pick them up, fix them and make them fit for the master’s use. He had created the circumstances, designed to accomplish His will.
Are you at the end of your rope? Does it seem you life fits the profile of a Moses or Job experience? If something in your life needs to give. Are you screaming “God, I need something better than this?” “HELP me, help me please” (??) Right there is where He needs you to be. How different our perspective on things can be when everywhere we look is up cause you can’t go down any further. When you’re broken, humbled, ready and willing to accept change. So if you are looking for a change, hoping for a miracle God wants you to know, you’re not forgotten and that He hears you and he will answer, He always does. God knows where to find you. Your answer, your breakthrough, your change, your miracle may not come the way you’re expecting it to manifest. (It never does) and you probably won’t hear Gods voice from a burning bush. But take heart, your answer WILL manifest. Even in your darkest hour, even if that hour has dragged on for a season; know that God’s powerful plan is unfolding and He is at work accomplishing His plan to prosper us and bring us to our future and the purpose for our lives and for His glory.
Eldridge Cole 3-16-11
This journal entry was originally written in 2007